24th Birthday List!

For the first time ever I have been inspired to compose a list of things I would like for my birthday as an excercise of valuing and celebrating myself. Honestly, this is more of a prayer list for God because ultimately He is the supplier and the provider, but I hear He likes to use people so you should talk to Him if you want to get involved ;)

• A trip on The Rock Boat
• This is the day after I am in a wedding but hey with God, all things are possible
• NEEDTOBREATHE is going to be there
• Ben Rector is going to be there
• a cruise to a private island, yes please
• So this one is like a miracle item but hey, I believe God does miracles and it is my birthday after all...
• Tickets to the NEEDTOBREATHE show in Pomona 
• Buy Here
• A little more reasonable than the Rock Boat
• They are like my favorite rock band (tied with Citizen of course) 
• You could buy two tickets and come with me!
• Send a gift to me on my birthday cruise!
• Order Here
• You can buy me a drink, a bottle, even decorations in advance
• I really want this one, drinks are expensive yo
• Contact me for the booking info if you need it not going to post it here for obvious reasons
• You could come with me too! You just gotta book asap and shell out some scrill...
• Target Gift Card
• Papa needs the necessities (toiletries, cleaning supplies underwear, socks) yo!
• They are actually my favorite gift...but a gift card ensures you don't feel awkward
• Sears or JC Penny Gift Card
• I pretty much only wear Southpole jeans, no low rise/boot cut for me if I can help it
• Nike Outlet Gift Card
• I LOVE SNEAKERS
• Quality Time with YOU! My friend!
• Dinner, Movie, Hiking, Singing, Dancing, Drinks etc I love it all!
• Just hanging out with you is a huge gift for me especially if I don't see you too often, it is definitely one of my primary love languages
• Food Gift Cards
• Panera Bread, Subway, Burger King, Panda Express & Olive Garden are my favorites
• In-N-Out, Five Guys Burgers & Fries, Chik-fil-A, Roscoes Chicken & Waffles, and Original Tommy's are in road-trip distance
• Gas Gift Cards
• My car gets 15mi to the gallon, just sayin
• Coffee Gift Cards
• I LOVE COFFEE
• Give to MERCY58 Compassion Ministries
•  I am so glad to be a part of helping people in need and if you like giving to charties on behalf of someone more than giving gifts, this is a great one!
• Go ahead, ask me for more information, I dare you
• Give Here 
• Color Guard Equipment
• I need a new Rifle & pratice flag!
• Sega Genesis Game System
• I like to kick it old school
• Sonic the Hedgehog, Golden Axe, need I say more?
• Any Gameboy before DS is also acceptable (favorite game Golden Sun)
• Spotify Subscription
• I love music, and I love making playlists, this way I could have it on my phone too!
• Cold Hard Cash!
• simple & easy

There you have it. I hope the heart behind this post is clear. I don't want to make anyone feel pressure to get me any gift at all let alone an extravagant one. I am making a statement. A statement that I believe that I am worth something. That God wants to give good gifts to me. That may sound selfish, but it is something I have never allowed myself to believe in the past so booya sucka! Today, I get to enjoy the fact that I was born and I am alive. It's not about the gifts, they are just a bonus That is pretty great and I want to start acting like it. And lastly, no, I am not writing this at 2:30am on my birthday...

2012?

Here it comes again, the time of year where we reflect on what has happened and look forward to whats ahead. This year however, I find myself just stuck. I can't seem to find the drive to want to think about the future because of everything that has happened this year As much as I know it is not helpful to hold on to the past, I can't seem to let go of my own shortcomings, relationships gone south, or the success I had over year ago.

I admit it, I have become just tired of trying. Trying to change, trying to be better than I am now trying to move forward. I have never been good at letting things go. I just shove them inside until they can't be contained any longer. I just don't know how to. I feel like I have been tripping and getting knocked down again so much that it feels better just to stay on the ground.

If I have learned anything in 2011, it has been that there is something I need that only God can give me. I keep trying to look for some person to give it to me; to make me feel secure, loved and significant but all I have found there is emptiness. Though this well, I keep going back to the same old things that cannot satisfy.

What really gets me is that I have been here before. I have come to a place where I am unsettled about my life and decided to get up and change it. To not be a victim of my past any longer but to make a decision to believe God had a way out for me. But now, it's difficult to have that same courage because I have been convinced that the love that I knew before is not available to me anymore because of what I have done.

Over the past few weeks though, God has been showing me that He does still love me in spite of what I have done. He is showing He & people do really love me, maybe in ways I have never realize or have seen before. My resolve to push away the love, however, seems to also grow all the more. Probably because it is easier to not do anything or own up to my own wrongs so that I can move past them.

I think God is showing me what it is like to be completely loved and cared for and is trying at every opportunity to show me, in His way, not mine. Honestly, it scares me. It scares me because I don't know what it is like to believe I am completely loved. I don't know what it is like to be in relationship with a perfect person who sees my worst and still fights so I can have the best. It's what I want and what I need but I won't let myself have it.

Seeing glimpses of Gods love has sparked my hope and faith and I am beginning to consider that I can experience better, even writing this has helped. 2011 has shown me that surrendering to God is the only way to be free. 2012 will be a year of deciding what I want for my life, my family, my career and my relationship with God. If I want to settle for what the world can give me or fight for the blessing that God has promised. The key for me is finding the courage to believe that I can be enough & I can be faithful to that decision.

Braces: A Lesson in Discipline

I am coming to the end of my time with braces, or so they tell me. It's been a bit funny to me the way God has spoken to me through the whole process. Some friends requested to hear the whole story when I posted "Smile" when I first started the treatment. Lately, I have found some "ugly" things in my life that have been there for a while that God is dealing with. It is strikingly similar to the situation I found myself in with my teeth.

For as long as I could remember my teeth were crooked. I have one picture of myself with straight teeth as a child and other than than my mouth was always closed. I would cover my mouth when I laughed, and if you have seen me laugh, take effort. My teeth were always a place of embarrassment for me. I wanted them to just be fixed, to get braces, anything! But I never got them growing up because of a combination of not having enough money, the medi-cal system, and lack of understanding of just how severe my teeth were by my visually-impaired mother. The dentist told her initially that my teeth were growing in crooked but would straighten themselves out eventually. I always got mad at kids that hated the way their braces looked because I would have do almost anything to have them back then. I prayed that God would fix them, somehow, someway. That did happen on my timetable and made me very frustrated.

All of that changed a few years ago when I met God. he really healed me and made me realize the truth about who I was. That I wasn't "ugly"because God created me in His image. Did I stop wanting my teeth to be straight? No, but it was not going to let them determine my self-worth. I let go of my un-forgiveness toward God and put the whole situation in His hands. For the first time I was okay if my teeth were crooked my whole life and remembered the truth every time those old thought would come back.

Then God did a miracle. Someone approached me and started to ask me about my teeth. how they got the way they were and why I never had them corrected. Through this, I found out about a program of an amazing orthodontist here on the Central Coast who took extreme cases of people with financial hardships for free. After a few initial steps, and some work by the Holy Spirit, it was actually happening. Now, I have had them for about a year and a half and my teeth look great! I smile, real smiles now.

I heard so many horror stories before I got my braces about how much pain it would cause me, so i was a little freaked out. But I haven't really experienced that much pain. I think it's mostly God's hand and also the fact that I didn't really care if it hurt because it was worth it...until now.

Yesterday I went in for my every-six-weeks tightening. This time was different. The gaps in my front teeth created by pulling by bicuspids to make room from overcrowding are being closed now with stronger wires and rubber bands. The moment these appliances went into my mouth i had a lot of pain. In the past, I could sneak in a meal right after my appointment before soreness set in. But even then, I could still force myself to chew food. This time however, I have only been able to eat mashed potatoes. Tried to get a way with turkey and oatmeal (at separate times) but no beans. Just bringing my teeth together causes pain. But it's still worth it.

God has used this as a metaphor in my life for habits and choices in my life that are not good for me. I know that they are not good and cause me to hide and feel ashamed. But before I knew God, I didn't know how to stop my wrong behavior. God is speaking to me a lot about discipline though. That much like braces and teeth, it is the only way to change my lifestyle. Much like my braces, it will cause me to experience pain. Much like braces, I will have to give up things that I like and I am used to. Much like braces, I will have to perform tasks regularly for health and to keep the process on schedule. Much like braces, it doesn't look pretty while it's in place but will yield a lasting result that is great.

So through this time that God is bringing me through, I am choosing to believe and hope. I am choosing to believe it is worth it. That God is purifying me and making me look good, inside and out.

Never Alone

I have been realizing more and more lately that I am surrounded by the best people. When I start to think about depressing situations in my life, I remember how great of a life God has given me. I will post more soon promise, life is crazy busy right now, but like McDonald's I'm lovin' it :-).

Uh?

I am making the decision that even though I can see how everything is going wrong right now that I am not going to be down in the dumps. Instead I am seeing how God wants to shape my character through what is happening around me. So instead of gripe about how the things that are out of order, I'm asking God: what do you want me to do? And I know He is telling me to trust Him.

I am reading John right now and I am really beginning to see things that i have never noticed before when i read it.

"The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." 6:29

"I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." 6:35

"Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him." 6:56

It's all about Jesus. All we need his Him, nothing else.

Finding Balance

My life has been crazy over the past months and I haven't gotten to post on here for quite a while. It feels like I have been on a rollercoaster lately but somehow I know God is moving me forward through it all and bringing me close too Him. Thats what I have been realizing through all my mistakes, my success, my sorrow and happiness. Through all the struggles and mountains God is calling me to conquer, that its all about Him. About finding Jesus, for real. Not a way to be a "good: person or to finally fiqure out the secret to being perfect. But knowing God in my weakness and my shortcoming and letting go to put Him in control so that I dont end up back here. I have really just been trying to balance my relationship with God, my family, my ministry, work, school, serving the church, and all my other responsibilites and am still finding it.

I have a lot to be excited about as well. My nephew just turned one year old! And through what is a difficult situation of one of my brothers moving in with my mother and then moving out, then the other moving in, I am seeing how God is answering my prayers for my family. Since I really started praying for my family, I have prayed that God would unite us. That we would be united under His Vision and united with each other. I feel really disconnected from my family sometimes and know that we all feel the same way. But now my oldest brother who would for years alienate himself from our family by not attending family events or even responding to our attemps to contact him is connected to our family again. We are taking a trip to LA this weekend for my Grandmother's 70th birthday and all of my brothers, my sister(and sister in law) and mother are all going. I know that God is going to do so much more and radically change my family and it makes me happier than anything else.

More to come!...

This isn't embarassing!

So I was tagged by Christina in this chain-blog thing and once you read you are tagged, you must take a picture of yourself at that moment and upload it to your blog and tag others. Luckily I read Christina's blog at midnight while going to bed...

so why not pass on the favor?

Danielle
Brittany
Aly

YOU ARE IT!