God has been rocking my world for the past week and half.
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I was having a tough time last Wednesday and needed a touch from Him. All day Thursday I was just asking God what I was doing wrong because it seemed like nothing was going right. I could feel his presence and I knew that everything was okay, but nothing was changing. When I was waiting for the bus I was just still and everything seemed to stop and He said "all I want is your heart." I feel like I have been working hard for a while now but not seeing much fruit in my life coming out of it. And in that moment I knew that I had been missing God, I had missed that intimacy with him.
"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."
- John 15:4-5
But in that moment I made the decision that I would change my heart, and surrender it completely. God is not asking me to go out and work until I die. He has not left me to figure this life out on my own. But I realize that I have been trying to succeed in my own strength. He also showed me how much bitterness I had built up in my heart, it was blocking fruitfulness in my life. But when I let it go, something broke over my life and over my ministry. In days I saw a change in the way I relate to people when I just let all the tiny grudges I had built up go. It's released me to have joy again :-).
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When I think about my life, most of what I think is failures. When I go try again, it's like there's a barrier there saying it's not possible because you have messed it up. Like God gave me a great opportunity and I threw it away. But God tells me something different. God has promised me success. He has promised me prosperity.
A large area where this has stopped me is school. I know that I did not give myself to school enough and that is why I am where I am. I'm not even sure if I can get back into Cal Poly because of my performance from last semester. But a few weeks ago, God spoke to me after a sermon and promised me that He would still bring me success even though I may have missed an opprotunity. I want to have a family someday, its a major goal I have. I want my family to be successful. I want to provide for them, I want my children to know that everything is possible with God. I want them to know that He will provide for their every need. I dream of getting my Bachelor's degree.
The problem is I can't see how I can do that without leaving San Luis Obispo. When I think logically, I would have to transfer to another university to do that. When I think about it, however, I know that God has brought me here. He has established a life for me here. I will not abandon everything that God has given me here. I am leading a cell group, dancing at a level I've always wanted, and I have such a great family here.
So there is the rub. Do I need to graduate from a 4-year university to be a success? The Lord has begun to show me that the answer is no.
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."
- Philippians 3:7-9
"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. "
- Philippians 3:13-14
God is asking me to go to the next level of faith. Paul was a great scholar who gave up his high standing with men because he met Jesus face to face. Jesus' 12 disciples were young fishermen. They weren't educated, they just made a decision to follow Jesus and put everything else aside. God called Abraham to leave his country and live in tents on His word. God lead the Israelites through the desert before they entered the promised land.
I have the promise from God. I believe that he is making me a father, a success. I am realizing that just because I can't see how every step is going to happen, does not mean I have an excuse to not go there. I don't need to understand everything, and that is the the beauty of grace. God is my father, and I will rejoice because He has made me glad. He is my goal.
