God spoke to me powerfully on Sunday. Well, He has been speaking for a long time, I just was not willing to listen. But He spoke to my heart and told me that he really does not expect me to be perfect. I've noticed that I really believe that I need to have all the answers. That I have to figure everything out by myself. I did not like asking questions because that would mean that I did not know the answer and if I did not know the answer then I was just stupid. In every area of my life, I expected perfection. If I messed up a tiny bit, if something I planned did not go as expected, I was crushed and really gave into a spirit of despair and depression because I had failed "just like I always do". So many times, I did not want to even try new or challenging things because I knew I would not do them perfectly. When I would struggle with a task I thought people would get frustrated with me and just do it themselves. I did not speak up even when I knew that someone was incorrect because I thought they would just tell me I was wrong, and I could not handle it. I took it really personally. But I realized that first, I don't have all the answers and second that I don't need to. Jesus was perfect. If God expected me to be perfect, he would have made me that way. Does He want me to be perfect and to strive for it? Yes, but I realized that God has so much grace, and so much mercy just waiting for me. Jesus is the perfect one, He is the only fulfillment for my sin, and He took care of it 2000 years ago. He is my savior, He is my answer. I can only change my careless actions and habits by His grace. God is my Father, there is nothing that can separate me from His love.
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