comprehension is not a requirement for cooperation

God has been rocking my world for the past week and half.

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I was having a tough time last Wednesday and needed a touch from Him. All day Thursday I was just asking God what I was doing wrong because it seemed like nothing was going right. I could feel his presence and I knew that everything was okay, but nothing was changing. When I was waiting for the bus I was just still and everything seemed to stop and He said "all I want is your heart." I feel like I have been working hard for a while now but not seeing much fruit in my life coming out of it. And in that moment I knew that I had been missing God, I had missed that intimacy with him.

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."
- John 15:4-5

But in that moment I made the decision that I would change my heart, and surrender it completely. God is not asking me to go out and work until I die. He has not left me to figure this life out on my own. But I realize that I have been trying to succeed in my own strength. He also showed me how much bitterness I had built up in my heart, it was blocking fruitfulness in my life. But when I let it go, something broke over my life and over my ministry. In days I saw a change in the way I relate to people when I just let all the tiny grudges I had built up go. It's released me to have joy again :-).

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When I think about my life, most of what I think is failures. When I go try again, it's like there's a barrier there saying it's not possible because you have messed it up. Like God gave me a great opportunity and I threw it away. But God tells me something different. God has promised me success. He has promised me prosperity.

A large area where this has stopped me is school. I know that I did not give myself to school enough and that is why I am where I am. I'm not even sure if I can get back into Cal Poly because of my performance from last semester. But a few weeks ago, God spoke to me after a sermon and promised me that He would still bring me success even though I may have missed an opprotunity. I want to have a family someday, its a major goal I have. I want my family to be successful. I want to provide for them, I want my children to know that everything is possible with God. I want them to know that He will provide for their every need. I dream of getting my Bachelor's degree.

The problem is I can't see how I can do that without leaving San Luis Obispo. When I think logically, I would have to transfer to another university to do that. When I think about it, however, I know that God has brought me here. He has established a life for me here. I will not abandon everything that God has given me here. I am leading a cell group, dancing at a level I've always wanted, and I have such a great family here.

So there is the rub. Do I need to graduate from a 4-year university to be a success? The Lord has begun to show me that the answer is no.

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."
- Philippians 3:7-9

"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. "
- Philippians 3:13-14

God is asking me to go to the next level of faith. Paul was a great scholar who gave up his high standing with men because he met Jesus face to face. Jesus' 12 disciples were young fishermen. They weren't educated, they just made a decision to follow Jesus and put everything else aside. God called Abraham to leave his country and live in tents on His word. God lead the Israelites through the desert before they entered the promised land.

I have the promise from God. I believe that he is making me a father, a success. I am realizing that just because I can't see how every step is going to happen, does not mean I have an excuse to not go there. I don't need to understand everything, and that is the the beauty of grace. God is my father, and I will rejoice because He has made me glad. He is my goal.

Such A Time As This

So Barack Obama the next President of the United States of America. Let me first say that I fully respect him as the next leader of this country. However, as an person of African decent, Black, African-American, a minority, whatever you call it, it upsets me that people voted for him just because of the color of his skin. Comments are being made connecting his victory with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Dr. King's dream was that people would not be judged by the color of thier skin, but by the content of thier character. So when I do not judge Obama on the color of his skin, I look at his character. I look at a man who condones and wants to make the killing of millions of unborn children legal. Dr. King's dream was not that we would elect a person of color as president just becasue of thier race, or not elect a president for the same reason. Do I want a person of color in the White House? I do thats awesome. But more important to me was the future of this nation. Will we become a nation that cuts off the next generation through abortion and same-sex marriage? I was saddened that the whole tone of this campaign was about Barack Obama's decent. The media portrayed McCain and Palin as racists and Barack Obama as the great hope for "black america". He professes the Christian faith, so I will continue to pray for him, that God would get ahold of his whole heart. I acknowledge his authority as the next President of the US because God has instructed me to do so. But Barack Obama is not MLK, he is not hope for this nation. Hope is a person named Jesus Christ. It is him I put my trust in and in Him I know that everything works for His means and His glory, not man's will. No matter what the outcome of this election, it has done one thing, shook me out of my sleep. I believe that God has created me for such a time as this. To proclaim the truth and stop out every lie of the enemy. To proclaim the truth to the young men of this nation and let them know God's love. To proclaim the freedom to the captives, the opressed, the ones in bondage, the disadvantaged. To procalim true hope, true change, Jesus. God has awkended a passion in me I thought I had lost. And no matter what happens, I know the end of this story, God is victorious.

"1Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. 4For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. 6This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. 7Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor." Romans 13:1-7

Nobody's Perfect...Except Jesus

God spoke to me powerfully on Sunday. Well, He has been speaking for a long time, I just was not willing to listen. But He spoke to my heart and told me that he really does not expect me to be perfect. I've noticed that I really believe that I need to have all the answers. That I have to figure everything out by myself. I did not like asking questions because that would mean that I did not know the answer and if I did not know the answer then I was just stupid. In every area of my life, I expected perfection. If I messed up a tiny bit, if something I planned did not go as expected, I was crushed and really gave into a spirit of despair and depression because I had failed "just like I always do". So many times, I did not want to even try new or challenging things because I knew I would not do them perfectly. When I would struggle with a task I thought people would get frustrated with me and just do it themselves. I did not speak up even when I knew that someone was incorrect because I thought they would just tell me I was wrong, and I could not handle it. I took it really personally. But I realized that first, I don't have all the answers and second that I don't need to. Jesus was perfect. If God expected me to be perfect, he would have made me that way. Does He want me to be perfect and to strive for it? Yes, but I realized that God has so much grace, and so much mercy just waiting for me. Jesus is the perfect one, He is the only fulfillment for my sin, and He took care of it 2000 years ago. He is my savior, He is my answer. I can only change my careless actions and habits by His grace. God is my Father, there is nothing that can separate me from His love.

Change is Good

Two weeks ago, Pastor Walter Madera preached about change. All around me I have seen confirmation that God wants to bring me into a new place, a better place. For Him to do that, He has made very clear that the old things in my life has got to go. God is forming me and is changing me alot but I have been resisting most of the changes. But I know that God is not trying to hurt me, He is cleaning house. I know that this is the year God is giving me victory in every area of my life and he has. I had an amazing time through Re-Encounter, God revealed a lot of things I was trying to hide. But when I was confronted with things and let them go, I experienced a deep healing, something I have been seeking for years. It came when I let go of the past. Of the hurt, the anger, the sin, the love of the times in my life that I loved when I was not walking with the Lord, and so much more. When I left it at the Cross, God met me. But those were the things that I wanted kicked out of my life so bad. The responsibility, discipline, and leadership that God wants to bring into my life has been much harder to receive because I like the areas of my life where I am lazy. But I am not willing to love my life so much that I lose my soul. That I lose everything that God has for me. When I remember everything that God has done for me, I am willing to give those things up. This is my time.

Excercising Authority

God has been speaking to me a lot about my identity as a son and as a spiritual father. Today I read about Elijah and how he spoke out in faith with authority to Ahab and the widow. When I think about authority, it's usually a picture of correcting an error. But the Lord showed me something different today. He isn't calling me to be overbearing or mean. I can exercise authority for positive things over my life, my family and the people around me.

First Day!

I had my first day at work. I liked it a lot. I love my job because it's a small business and the owners are very involved and I feel like I am part of a family, not just co-workers. I messed up a little bit and am praying for grace that the customer won't notice and no repercussions will come on the business because of my sloppy job, and have resolved to reveal my mistakes in the future. Today, the Lord has reallty been speaking to me about being a responsible leader. To not have any idols in my life because it will affect the young men I am leading. My life is really challenging right now, but like Carrie said, well the Lord really, "always be at the end of your rope". I feel like I have been living at the end of my rope for months. But it keeps me relying on the Lord, and not my own strength. I love and thank Him so much for redeeming my life from bondage. He has set me free, and freedom is truly that in my life, I am not boxed in, I am not comfortable or constrained. I feel like God has pushed me out of a plane at 10,000 ft. and I am in free fall, but I am only going upwards to victory. And I know no matter how bad I screw up, He will be there to catch me. If I fall to the ground. He will carry me back into the plane, take me up in the plane again until I regain consciousness and push me out again. I've come to realize that I am never going to stop feeling uncomfortable, at the edge of myself because God will always lead me into conquest. I can't wait around long enough and I won't have to conquer one day. His grace, love, mercy and compassion is ALWAYS there for me. His purpose, vision, and plan for my life will ALWAYS be there for me. I will not choose to stay in my fear, depression, self-pity, inferiority, insecurity anymore. They are not my friend. Jesus is my friend, He is the one who died for me, who showed me how to live as a Son and not a slave. Father, owe you everything! Thank You!

Dependent on God

God has been showing me lately how dependent I am on other people. In every area, but especially emotionally. If someone says or does one thing that makes me feel rejected, I completely lose it. If someone doesn't do what I want or doesn't do something my way, I am instantly angry and annoyed. I know that that is not God's character. He loves me so much, I know. But I have been rejecting that to stay in my self-pity and depression. But God wants me to receive the new garments, the new identity He has put before me. The person that Jesus payed for on the cross. My name is no longer rejected. God has accepted me and that is what I rely on. I am dependent on Jesus, His Blood, and the cross every moment of every day. It is my salvation, my redemption, my healing, my acceptance in to God's inheritance. Today I choose to live in my acceptance.