24th Birthday List!

For the first time ever I have been inspired to compose a list of things I would like for my birthday as an excercise of valuing and celebrating myself. Honestly, this is more of a prayer list for God because ultimately He is the supplier and the provider, but I hear He likes to use people so you should talk to Him if you want to get involved ;)

• A trip on The Rock Boat
• This is the day after I am in a wedding but hey with God, all things are possible
• NEEDTOBREATHE is going to be there
• Ben Rector is going to be there
• a cruise to a private island, yes please
• So this one is like a miracle item but hey, I believe God does miracles and it is my birthday after all...
• Tickets to the NEEDTOBREATHE show in Pomona 
• Buy Here
• A little more reasonable than the Rock Boat
• They are like my favorite rock band (tied with Citizen of course) 
• You could buy two tickets and come with me!
• Send a gift to me on my birthday cruise!
• Order Here
• You can buy me a drink, a bottle, even decorations in advance
• I really want this one, drinks are expensive yo
• Contact me for the booking info if you need it not going to post it here for obvious reasons
• You could come with me too! You just gotta book asap and shell out some scrill...
• Target Gift Card
• Papa needs the necessities (toiletries, cleaning supplies underwear, socks) yo!
• They are actually my favorite gift...but a gift card ensures you don't feel awkward
• Sears or JC Penny Gift Card
• I pretty much only wear Southpole jeans, no low rise/boot cut for me if I can help it
• Nike Outlet Gift Card
• I LOVE SNEAKERS
• Quality Time with YOU! My friend!
• Dinner, Movie, Hiking, Singing, Dancing, Drinks etc I love it all!
• Just hanging out with you is a huge gift for me especially if I don't see you too often, it is definitely one of my primary love languages
• Food Gift Cards
• Panera Bread, Subway, Burger King, Panda Express & Olive Garden are my favorites
• In-N-Out, Five Guys Burgers & Fries, Chik-fil-A, Roscoes Chicken & Waffles, and Original Tommy's are in road-trip distance
• Gas Gift Cards
• My car gets 15mi to the gallon, just sayin
• Coffee Gift Cards
• I LOVE COFFEE
• Give to MERCY58 Compassion Ministries
•  I am so glad to be a part of helping people in need and if you like giving to charties on behalf of someone more than giving gifts, this is a great one!
• Go ahead, ask me for more information, I dare you
• Give Here 
• Color Guard Equipment
• I need a new Rifle & pratice flag!
• Sega Genesis Game System
• I like to kick it old school
• Sonic the Hedgehog, Golden Axe, need I say more?
• Any Gameboy before DS is also acceptable (favorite game Golden Sun)
• Spotify Subscription
• I love music, and I love making playlists, this way I could have it on my phone too!
• Cold Hard Cash!
• simple & easy

There you have it. I hope the heart behind this post is clear. I don't want to make anyone feel pressure to get me any gift at all let alone an extravagant one. I am making a statement. A statement that I believe that I am worth something. That God wants to give good gifts to me. That may sound selfish, but it is something I have never allowed myself to believe in the past so booya sucka! Today, I get to enjoy the fact that I was born and I am alive. It's not about the gifts, they are just a bonus That is pretty great and I want to start acting like it. And lastly, no, I am not writing this at 2:30am on my birthday...

2012?

Here it comes again, the time of year where we reflect on what has happened and look forward to whats ahead. This year however, I find myself just stuck. I can't seem to find the drive to want to think about the future because of everything that has happened this year As much as I know it is not helpful to hold on to the past, I can't seem to let go of my own shortcomings, relationships gone south, or the success I had over year ago.

I admit it, I have become just tired of trying. Trying to change, trying to be better than I am now trying to move forward. I have never been good at letting things go. I just shove them inside until they can't be contained any longer. I just don't know how to. I feel like I have been tripping and getting knocked down again so much that it feels better just to stay on the ground.

If I have learned anything in 2011, it has been that there is something I need that only God can give me. I keep trying to look for some person to give it to me; to make me feel secure, loved and significant but all I have found there is emptiness. Though this well, I keep going back to the same old things that cannot satisfy.

What really gets me is that I have been here before. I have come to a place where I am unsettled about my life and decided to get up and change it. To not be a victim of my past any longer but to make a decision to believe God had a way out for me. But now, it's difficult to have that same courage because I have been convinced that the love that I knew before is not available to me anymore because of what I have done.

Over the past few weeks though, God has been showing me that He does still love me in spite of what I have done. He is showing He & people do really love me, maybe in ways I have never realize or have seen before. My resolve to push away the love, however, seems to also grow all the more. Probably because it is easier to not do anything or own up to my own wrongs so that I can move past them.

I think God is showing me what it is like to be completely loved and cared for and is trying at every opportunity to show me, in His way, not mine. Honestly, it scares me. It scares me because I don't know what it is like to believe I am completely loved. I don't know what it is like to be in relationship with a perfect person who sees my worst and still fights so I can have the best. It's what I want and what I need but I won't let myself have it.

Seeing glimpses of Gods love has sparked my hope and faith and I am beginning to consider that I can experience better, even writing this has helped. 2011 has shown me that surrendering to God is the only way to be free. 2012 will be a year of deciding what I want for my life, my family, my career and my relationship with God. If I want to settle for what the world can give me or fight for the blessing that God has promised. The key for me is finding the courage to believe that I can be enough & I can be faithful to that decision.

Braces: A Lesson in Discipline

I am coming to the end of my time with braces, or so they tell me. It's been a bit funny to me the way God has spoken to me through the whole process. Some friends requested to hear the whole story when I posted "Smile" when I first started the treatment. Lately, I have found some "ugly" things in my life that have been there for a while that God is dealing with. It is strikingly similar to the situation I found myself in with my teeth.

For as long as I could remember my teeth were crooked. I have one picture of myself with straight teeth as a child and other than than my mouth was always closed. I would cover my mouth when I laughed, and if you have seen me laugh, take effort. My teeth were always a place of embarrassment for me. I wanted them to just be fixed, to get braces, anything! But I never got them growing up because of a combination of not having enough money, the medi-cal system, and lack of understanding of just how severe my teeth were by my visually-impaired mother. The dentist told her initially that my teeth were growing in crooked but would straighten themselves out eventually. I always got mad at kids that hated the way their braces looked because I would have do almost anything to have them back then. I prayed that God would fix them, somehow, someway. That did happen on my timetable and made me very frustrated.

All of that changed a few years ago when I met God. he really healed me and made me realize the truth about who I was. That I wasn't "ugly"because God created me in His image. Did I stop wanting my teeth to be straight? No, but it was not going to let them determine my self-worth. I let go of my un-forgiveness toward God and put the whole situation in His hands. For the first time I was okay if my teeth were crooked my whole life and remembered the truth every time those old thought would come back.

Then God did a miracle. Someone approached me and started to ask me about my teeth. how they got the way they were and why I never had them corrected. Through this, I found out about a program of an amazing orthodontist here on the Central Coast who took extreme cases of people with financial hardships for free. After a few initial steps, and some work by the Holy Spirit, it was actually happening. Now, I have had them for about a year and a half and my teeth look great! I smile, real smiles now.

I heard so many horror stories before I got my braces about how much pain it would cause me, so i was a little freaked out. But I haven't really experienced that much pain. I think it's mostly God's hand and also the fact that I didn't really care if it hurt because it was worth it...until now.

Yesterday I went in for my every-six-weeks tightening. This time was different. The gaps in my front teeth created by pulling by bicuspids to make room from overcrowding are being closed now with stronger wires and rubber bands. The moment these appliances went into my mouth i had a lot of pain. In the past, I could sneak in a meal right after my appointment before soreness set in. But even then, I could still force myself to chew food. This time however, I have only been able to eat mashed potatoes. Tried to get a way with turkey and oatmeal (at separate times) but no beans. Just bringing my teeth together causes pain. But it's still worth it.

God has used this as a metaphor in my life for habits and choices in my life that are not good for me. I know that they are not good and cause me to hide and feel ashamed. But before I knew God, I didn't know how to stop my wrong behavior. God is speaking to me a lot about discipline though. That much like braces and teeth, it is the only way to change my lifestyle. Much like my braces, it will cause me to experience pain. Much like braces, I will have to give up things that I like and I am used to. Much like braces, I will have to perform tasks regularly for health and to keep the process on schedule. Much like braces, it doesn't look pretty while it's in place but will yield a lasting result that is great.

So through this time that God is bringing me through, I am choosing to believe and hope. I am choosing to believe it is worth it. That God is purifying me and making me look good, inside and out.

Never Alone

I have been realizing more and more lately that I am surrounded by the best people. When I start to think about depressing situations in my life, I remember how great of a life God has given me. I will post more soon promise, life is crazy busy right now, but like McDonald's I'm lovin' it :-).

Uh?

I am making the decision that even though I can see how everything is going wrong right now that I am not going to be down in the dumps. Instead I am seeing how God wants to shape my character through what is happening around me. So instead of gripe about how the things that are out of order, I'm asking God: what do you want me to do? And I know He is telling me to trust Him.

I am reading John right now and I am really beginning to see things that i have never noticed before when i read it.

"The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." 6:29

"I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." 6:35

"Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him." 6:56

It's all about Jesus. All we need his Him, nothing else.

Finding Balance

My life has been crazy over the past months and I haven't gotten to post on here for quite a while. It feels like I have been on a rollercoaster lately but somehow I know God is moving me forward through it all and bringing me close too Him. Thats what I have been realizing through all my mistakes, my success, my sorrow and happiness. Through all the struggles and mountains God is calling me to conquer, that its all about Him. About finding Jesus, for real. Not a way to be a "good: person or to finally fiqure out the secret to being perfect. But knowing God in my weakness and my shortcoming and letting go to put Him in control so that I dont end up back here. I have really just been trying to balance my relationship with God, my family, my ministry, work, school, serving the church, and all my other responsibilites and am still finding it.

I have a lot to be excited about as well. My nephew just turned one year old! And through what is a difficult situation of one of my brothers moving in with my mother and then moving out, then the other moving in, I am seeing how God is answering my prayers for my family. Since I really started praying for my family, I have prayed that God would unite us. That we would be united under His Vision and united with each other. I feel really disconnected from my family sometimes and know that we all feel the same way. But now my oldest brother who would for years alienate himself from our family by not attending family events or even responding to our attemps to contact him is connected to our family again. We are taking a trip to LA this weekend for my Grandmother's 70th birthday and all of my brothers, my sister(and sister in law) and mother are all going. I know that God is going to do so much more and radically change my family and it makes me happier than anything else.

More to come!...

This isn't embarassing!

So I was tagged by Christina in this chain-blog thing and once you read you are tagged, you must take a picture of yourself at that moment and upload it to your blog and tag others. Luckily I read Christina's blog at midnight while going to bed...

so why not pass on the favor?

Danielle
Brittany
Aly

YOU ARE IT!

Smile

For those of you haven't heard...

On Thursday, I found out that a Dr. in Arroyo Grande is going to perform surgery on my teeth FOR FREE. We're talking thousands here. It is a miracle and a gift from God.

Ever since I can remember, my teeth have been crooked. Ive seen pictures of myself with straight teeth, but I still can't remember what it was like. Its caused me a lot of shame in the past just from my own insecurities and things people would say. Sometimes I would even forget about what they looked like and felt normal for a change, but then I would remember.

I explored braced before, but by the time I got all my cavities filled etc. I was applying to colleges and just put it on the back burner.

But the Holy Spirit had a plan and worked it out. The thing about it is that it is just God's love. his mercy and grace. I have prayed about it since I actually started praying when I was 12 and really cried out for it and claimed it a couple of times in the past few weeks but it was definitely not on the top of my prayer priorities.


God has been speaking to me over and over about David and specifically 1 Samuel 16:7

"he LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

comprehension is not a requirement for cooperation

God has been rocking my world for the past week and half.

------

I was having a tough time last Wednesday and needed a touch from Him. All day Thursday I was just asking God what I was doing wrong because it seemed like nothing was going right. I could feel his presence and I knew that everything was okay, but nothing was changing. When I was waiting for the bus I was just still and everything seemed to stop and He said "all I want is your heart." I feel like I have been working hard for a while now but not seeing much fruit in my life coming out of it. And in that moment I knew that I had been missing God, I had missed that intimacy with him.

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."
- John 15:4-5

But in that moment I made the decision that I would change my heart, and surrender it completely. God is not asking me to go out and work until I die. He has not left me to figure this life out on my own. But I realize that I have been trying to succeed in my own strength. He also showed me how much bitterness I had built up in my heart, it was blocking fruitfulness in my life. But when I let it go, something broke over my life and over my ministry. In days I saw a change in the way I relate to people when I just let all the tiny grudges I had built up go. It's released me to have joy again :-).

----

When I think about my life, most of what I think is failures. When I go try again, it's like there's a barrier there saying it's not possible because you have messed it up. Like God gave me a great opportunity and I threw it away. But God tells me something different. God has promised me success. He has promised me prosperity.

A large area where this has stopped me is school. I know that I did not give myself to school enough and that is why I am where I am. I'm not even sure if I can get back into Cal Poly because of my performance from last semester. But a few weeks ago, God spoke to me after a sermon and promised me that He would still bring me success even though I may have missed an opprotunity. I want to have a family someday, its a major goal I have. I want my family to be successful. I want to provide for them, I want my children to know that everything is possible with God. I want them to know that He will provide for their every need. I dream of getting my Bachelor's degree.

The problem is I can't see how I can do that without leaving San Luis Obispo. When I think logically, I would have to transfer to another university to do that. When I think about it, however, I know that God has brought me here. He has established a life for me here. I will not abandon everything that God has given me here. I am leading a cell group, dancing at a level I've always wanted, and I have such a great family here.

So there is the rub. Do I need to graduate from a 4-year university to be a success? The Lord has begun to show me that the answer is no.

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."
- Philippians 3:7-9

"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. "
- Philippians 3:13-14

God is asking me to go to the next level of faith. Paul was a great scholar who gave up his high standing with men because he met Jesus face to face. Jesus' 12 disciples were young fishermen. They weren't educated, they just made a decision to follow Jesus and put everything else aside. God called Abraham to leave his country and live in tents on His word. God lead the Israelites through the desert before they entered the promised land.

I have the promise from God. I believe that he is making me a father, a success. I am realizing that just because I can't see how every step is going to happen, does not mean I have an excuse to not go there. I don't need to understand everything, and that is the the beauty of grace. God is my father, and I will rejoice because He has made me glad. He is my goal.

Such A Time As This

So Barack Obama the next President of the United States of America. Let me first say that I fully respect him as the next leader of this country. However, as an person of African decent, Black, African-American, a minority, whatever you call it, it upsets me that people voted for him just because of the color of his skin. Comments are being made connecting his victory with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Dr. King's dream was that people would not be judged by the color of thier skin, but by the content of thier character. So when I do not judge Obama on the color of his skin, I look at his character. I look at a man who condones and wants to make the killing of millions of unborn children legal. Dr. King's dream was not that we would elect a person of color as president just becasue of thier race, or not elect a president for the same reason. Do I want a person of color in the White House? I do thats awesome. But more important to me was the future of this nation. Will we become a nation that cuts off the next generation through abortion and same-sex marriage? I was saddened that the whole tone of this campaign was about Barack Obama's decent. The media portrayed McCain and Palin as racists and Barack Obama as the great hope for "black america". He professes the Christian faith, so I will continue to pray for him, that God would get ahold of his whole heart. I acknowledge his authority as the next President of the US because God has instructed me to do so. But Barack Obama is not MLK, he is not hope for this nation. Hope is a person named Jesus Christ. It is him I put my trust in and in Him I know that everything works for His means and His glory, not man's will. No matter what the outcome of this election, it has done one thing, shook me out of my sleep. I believe that God has created me for such a time as this. To proclaim the truth and stop out every lie of the enemy. To proclaim the truth to the young men of this nation and let them know God's love. To proclaim the freedom to the captives, the opressed, the ones in bondage, the disadvantaged. To procalim true hope, true change, Jesus. God has awkended a passion in me I thought I had lost. And no matter what happens, I know the end of this story, God is victorious.

"1Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. 4For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. 6This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. 7Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor." Romans 13:1-7

Nobody's Perfect...Except Jesus

God spoke to me powerfully on Sunday. Well, He has been speaking for a long time, I just was not willing to listen. But He spoke to my heart and told me that he really does not expect me to be perfect. I've noticed that I really believe that I need to have all the answers. That I have to figure everything out by myself. I did not like asking questions because that would mean that I did not know the answer and if I did not know the answer then I was just stupid. In every area of my life, I expected perfection. If I messed up a tiny bit, if something I planned did not go as expected, I was crushed and really gave into a spirit of despair and depression because I had failed "just like I always do". So many times, I did not want to even try new or challenging things because I knew I would not do them perfectly. When I would struggle with a task I thought people would get frustrated with me and just do it themselves. I did not speak up even when I knew that someone was incorrect because I thought they would just tell me I was wrong, and I could not handle it. I took it really personally. But I realized that first, I don't have all the answers and second that I don't need to. Jesus was perfect. If God expected me to be perfect, he would have made me that way. Does He want me to be perfect and to strive for it? Yes, but I realized that God has so much grace, and so much mercy just waiting for me. Jesus is the perfect one, He is the only fulfillment for my sin, and He took care of it 2000 years ago. He is my savior, He is my answer. I can only change my careless actions and habits by His grace. God is my Father, there is nothing that can separate me from His love.

Change is Good

Two weeks ago, Pastor Walter Madera preached about change. All around me I have seen confirmation that God wants to bring me into a new place, a better place. For Him to do that, He has made very clear that the old things in my life has got to go. God is forming me and is changing me alot but I have been resisting most of the changes. But I know that God is not trying to hurt me, He is cleaning house. I know that this is the year God is giving me victory in every area of my life and he has. I had an amazing time through Re-Encounter, God revealed a lot of things I was trying to hide. But when I was confronted with things and let them go, I experienced a deep healing, something I have been seeking for years. It came when I let go of the past. Of the hurt, the anger, the sin, the love of the times in my life that I loved when I was not walking with the Lord, and so much more. When I left it at the Cross, God met me. But those were the things that I wanted kicked out of my life so bad. The responsibility, discipline, and leadership that God wants to bring into my life has been much harder to receive because I like the areas of my life where I am lazy. But I am not willing to love my life so much that I lose my soul. That I lose everything that God has for me. When I remember everything that God has done for me, I am willing to give those things up. This is my time.

Excercising Authority

God has been speaking to me a lot about my identity as a son and as a spiritual father. Today I read about Elijah and how he spoke out in faith with authority to Ahab and the widow. When I think about authority, it's usually a picture of correcting an error. But the Lord showed me something different today. He isn't calling me to be overbearing or mean. I can exercise authority for positive things over my life, my family and the people around me.

First Day!

I had my first day at work. I liked it a lot. I love my job because it's a small business and the owners are very involved and I feel like I am part of a family, not just co-workers. I messed up a little bit and am praying for grace that the customer won't notice and no repercussions will come on the business because of my sloppy job, and have resolved to reveal my mistakes in the future. Today, the Lord has reallty been speaking to me about being a responsible leader. To not have any idols in my life because it will affect the young men I am leading. My life is really challenging right now, but like Carrie said, well the Lord really, "always be at the end of your rope". I feel like I have been living at the end of my rope for months. But it keeps me relying on the Lord, and not my own strength. I love and thank Him so much for redeeming my life from bondage. He has set me free, and freedom is truly that in my life, I am not boxed in, I am not comfortable or constrained. I feel like God has pushed me out of a plane at 10,000 ft. and I am in free fall, but I am only going upwards to victory. And I know no matter how bad I screw up, He will be there to catch me. If I fall to the ground. He will carry me back into the plane, take me up in the plane again until I regain consciousness and push me out again. I've come to realize that I am never going to stop feeling uncomfortable, at the edge of myself because God will always lead me into conquest. I can't wait around long enough and I won't have to conquer one day. His grace, love, mercy and compassion is ALWAYS there for me. His purpose, vision, and plan for my life will ALWAYS be there for me. I will not choose to stay in my fear, depression, self-pity, inferiority, insecurity anymore. They are not my friend. Jesus is my friend, He is the one who died for me, who showed me how to live as a Son and not a slave. Father, owe you everything! Thank You!

Dependent on God

God has been showing me lately how dependent I am on other people. In every area, but especially emotionally. If someone says or does one thing that makes me feel rejected, I completely lose it. If someone doesn't do what I want or doesn't do something my way, I am instantly angry and annoyed. I know that that is not God's character. He loves me so much, I know. But I have been rejecting that to stay in my self-pity and depression. But God wants me to receive the new garments, the new identity He has put before me. The person that Jesus payed for on the cross. My name is no longer rejected. God has accepted me and that is what I rely on. I am dependent on Jesus, His Blood, and the cross every moment of every day. It is my salvation, my redemption, my healing, my acceptance in to God's inheritance. Today I choose to live in my acceptance.

Rhema Verses

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding"

- Proverbs 9:10

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

-Jeremiah 1:5

"The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

-Judges 6:12b

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

-Joshua 1:9